Stop the Chaos 

Oftentimes I take on projects and because I am a dreamer, that simple plan evolves from a task into a large-scale production. I was reminded of this yesterday as I was simply going to clean a rug with our carpet cleaner, next thing I know I’m re-arranging the living room, cleaning the couch and all the rugs in the house and polishing the wood floors. That’s me 

In my not-so-distant past I would be doing these things while periodically drinking in the garage so I could keep a cheerful demeanor while doing “stuff”. Additionally, I would eventually lose concentration and toward the end do a shitty job just to get it over with. 

Well, today was different because I was into it, I was living in the moment. (And let’s be honest, I was not Drunk either! So there’s that) I thoroughly enjoyed what I was doing, I put my heart into it and it was actually joyful and it brought me some peace. 

Chaos in my mind was a major problem before I found recovery and some of the concepts and ideas that I have In my life today are only possible when I am able to think clearly and to focus what I’m doing singularly. 

I’ve come to discover that thinking is the speech of my mind and by doing it right it must be clear and beneficial. Most the time I was doing one thing but thinking of something else That leads to me not being unified. 

A good friend of mine operates float tanks, they are clam shell pods filled with epsom salt and it allows for extreme boyancy so basically you lay on your back and bob like a cork, it’s incredible! However the first time I did it it was a nightmare, why? Because it’s dark and absolutely dead quite. After only a minute or two my mind was racing with a million thoughts, the past, the future, my list of things to get done etc. I could not stand my own mind it was a harsh reality. 

After that session I chalked it down as “not for me” not knowing of course, that my unteated mind-chaos would be a contributing factor to my alcoholism and my eventual rock bottom. 

In order to think right, I learned that I first had to address being okay with the person I am. Being okay with my thoughts and realizing that they are neither good or bad they just are. Everything is exactly as it should be and the only thing I can control are the choices that I make right now and every moment henceforth. It’s simple on paper but takes a lot of time and patience to master, I’m still not there but it’s so much better than a year ago, a month ago, a day ago, a minute ago.

Most of this came awareness came from starting meditation and sticking to it. Always realizing my breathing as a way to “bring me back to reality”. To be as happy as I can doing nothing. This is freedom I tell you, freedom. 

I’m looking forward to telling the long version of my story and thank you for reading, I hope this helps anyone reading it, it helps to write it for sure. 

The Morning Gargoyle 

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