As the title suggests, my daughter will never know what happened that day. But I will always remember it because it was a really heavy situation – one of many but this time it was in front of friends and family.
I was already six-deep by the time family and friends arrived. I had been “running errands” all morning simply to sneak in some drinks where I could. After about an hour I was noticeably drunk, making a mockery of my skills grilling burgers and hotdogs. This was really the last thing I remember clearly yet I was surrounded by people for another three hours.
I hate reminiscing about this former me but writing this brings back the realities that were part of my existence at the time. I purposely avoid “war-story” meetings because that was a different time and certainly a different me.
The next morning I had to sit and listen to my parents recount the afternoon, it was yet another lecture from mom and dad except I wasn’t 18, i was just a middle aged man still jack assing around. Of course that set me in motion to deal with it the way I always had, to stop drinking on my own. Attempt #26… it didn’t stop me however, after a few days I felt better and as always it was a justification to myself that this time would be different.
Looking back I realize how this disease had such a profound hold on my brain. How everything I was doing somehow revolved around drinking or trying to drink.
So then started the “pretending not to drink” era of my addiction. This is when it got ridiculous. I was hiding it, filling in my spare time with stops at bars and just tempting the gods to eventually take me away.
More to come…