My daughter was born in 2014 and from that day forward I went from being a person who overdid it once in a while with alcohol to an everyday drinker.
The beginning of 2015 is where things really began to get out of control. My daily routine was to leave work as early as possible so I could sneak in a beer and shot or several. (Jim Beam and Dales Pale ale) I’d make excuses -everyday – to my wife as to why it was taking so long.
The craziness of this way of life is baffling to me now, lying and making up stories EVERYDAY. Who has the time and energy to do this other than an alcoholic?
The daily problems always stemmed from me trying to hide the fact that I was drinking. She developed an anxiety because of it and would always question me, “you’re acting weird have you been drinking?” “No!” I’d scowl. And on with the evening we’d go. Dinner and TV – what a fulfilling life.
My wife carried this anxiety even after I was sober for a while. (Totally normal I’ve come to find.) She recognized well before my daily habit, that I didn’t drink like normal people. I never stop, ever. No consequences, no limits, nothing was ever a good reason to stop. Frankly, everyone I know well enough recognizes this in me. You can only get “a little too drunk” so many times before that’s who you are everyday drinker or not.
Looking into my past I was always wanting more alcohol, cocain etc. so I could “feel” differently, more relaxed, more at peace with others, more conversational, more funny. But I also know that I really fucken love having a beer buzz and the first time I did coke and ecstasy both hit me like lightening. I also surrounded myself with people who felt the same so nothing ever seemed wrong.
My parents didn’t drink but my uncles were heavy drinkers and obvious alcoholics. Looking back I wish I had been a little more scared of becoming them – which I did. My daughter will be fully aware of what she’s made of and the very certain possibility of an issue if she’s not fully aware that it can happen.
Even with my drinking habits at an all time high, I continued working out like a madman. My goal was to get to the CrossFit Games and I was in the best shape of my life somehow. I was working out in the mornings and during lunch, it made happy hour everyday justifiable given my heave regimine. It truly added to the torture of my life, my favorite day was Thursday because it was a “rest day” and I rested alright to the tune of drinking at lunch and through the rest of the day.
I was very fooolish about life and I had never learned one of the most important lessons I live by now. Enjoy the present moment, live it fully and beautifully and the future becomes what it is supposed to be. I was focused on obtaining things, status, objects. (This is how I trained, I forgot I loved CrossFit and only thought of getting the prize.) It contributed heavily to my rock bottom. When I got sober, I realized I’d never be happy living this way if everything I did was based on fear! …more on this later
Somehow I worked hard, continued to stay in shape and fit things in when I could. I was very lucky to have the natural ability to keep ahead of others even given my drinking. I would never eat bread, pasta, sugar or anything “bad” for me but I would drink three beers and three shots anytime. It’s hard not to shake my head at the flawed logic in my mind.
So I continued living in my own little world without incident for the first three months of 2015 and then I began to overdo it on my rest days and little did I know my wife and others were beginning to worry. It all became very clear, when we hosted a party for my daughters first birthday, that I was certifiably out of control.
My story will continue next time, thanks for reading and following my journey.
The Morning Gargoyle